ISN’T LETTING GO THE ULTIMATE GOAL?
We bring children into the world to “complete us”, because it’s part of “growing up”, or because “we must have 2.4 children” to become a fully fledged adult member of society. I don’t know what the impetus was for you to have children, but I think we all get more than we bargained for when we take the leap. Making the decision to have children and giving birth to them is the easy part. What comes next is far more challenging.
Parenting is filled with of lots of detail and many, many decisions. You see, the baby part just required one decision – “Let’s do it!” Thereafter we are faced with dozens and dozens of choices every single day – until our children grow wings and fly. And, as much as we may feel weighed down by the responsibilities of parenting, there is also the satisfaction of being needed, really needed, by another human being. But this need changes over time, and we must recognise this and grow with it, otherwise we may disempower our children; taking away their opportunities for personal growth and development, ultimately stunting their journey to independence.
We can get so involved with our children, caring for them, solving their problems, fetching and carrying, coaching and mentoring and facilitating, and generally being needed, that we often lose sight of the fact that the ultimate need our children will have is that of independence. They will need us to let go.
Hmm, letting go….. That requires a whole lot of trust, doesn’t it? Trusting in your child’s ability to look after and fend for themselves. Trusting their decision-making ability and their choice of friends and partners. Trusting in their ability to protect themselves, and more. To feel comfortable letting go, requires giving your child many opportunities to practice all of the above during childhood from being involved in the cooking, shopping and household chores, to caring for others and running errands for you, to goal setting and helping to plan family holidays and learning to work a plan. They can’t learn any of this without you there to guide them.
However, as you “feel” their confidence growing in their ability to do something, consciously take a little step back, and let them do more independently. This doesn’t mean you need to exit the building. On the contrary, you can be close by encouraging and facilitating independence-creating activity and endeavours. But there is a caveat here: if there is one thing we must figure out it’s when to make a fuss and celebrate our children’s baby steps to independence, and when to stay low key, as if these groundbreaking moments happen everyday, as little by little, they should.
Being quietly proud and supportive is a state of being we need to cultivate. It’s a solid type of presence our children can count on because it is not about us, and our need to look good to the outside world. And it’s not about our child looking for a reward. Rather, it’s about something much deeper – a knowing, an acknowledging and a deep respect and sense of pride for the independent young person our child is in the process of becoming.
Keep lovingly letting go as you inch towards the ultimate goal of healthy parenting – to release into the world a young person who has wings to fly and roots to hold them steady and guide them by. One who is independent and has something unique to contribute to the world – themselves.
NIKKI BUSH
Creative parenting expert, inspirational speaker and co-author of Future-proof Your Child (Penguin, 2008), and Easy Answers to Awkward Questions (Metz Press, 2009)
Parenting Matters/ November 2010
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