PRAISE ADDICTION
Some time ago I listened to a visiting American clinical psychologist poo pooing all the focus on building children’s self-esteem in child-rearing today. I have to admit to thinking that he had lost the plot! What I have come to understand though, is that there was a serious element of truth in what he was saying.
What happens when we overdose on praise with our children, when encouragement and praise get confused, and when a child gets addicted to praise and cannot function effectively without external validation? Here are some scenarios:
- Praising our children to the point of giving them unrealistic expectations of themselves, for example when a mediocre cricketer in grade four expects he is going to make the A team and is then devastated when he only makes the C team. We walk a fine line in helping our children to discover their true talents because they need to try many different things in the process, some of which they will not be so good at, and that’s okay, as happened to my eldest son in primary school.
Ryan was a very tall and over-sized child. He was not built to rock climb, neither was he particularly good at it and it took a lot of effort. However, he loved it and we encouraged it because he had an extraordinary coach who understood the difference between encouragement and praise. For three years Ryan was very dedicated to the sport, learning so much about himself and how to go beyond his personal best. Here was a coach who got as excited about the process for a talented climber as he did for mediocre one, which had an enormous positive knock-on effect in all areas of Ryan’s life.
- Watch children on the sports field who look to the parent on the side lines the minute they have touched the ball. The child is not really in the game, rather he or she is waiting for parental approval or praise. These children may find it harder and harder to play or work independently as they move further up in the school system
- Many little girls fall into the praise trap around clothing and their appearance. They get dressed for the day or put on a new outfit of clothing and expect everyone to comment, even adopting poses they have seen in magazines and on TV. In small doses this can be terribly cute but when it happens all the time, there’s trouble afoot.
Of course we need to give our children as much positive feedback as possible. How we interact with them sets the foundations for their self-confidence, self-esteem and self-image.
However, when a child starts to seek a pat on the back too often, or regularly acts in ways to consciously try and elicit praise and attention, it can be a signal that it’s time to focus more on encouraging the process of getting there – whether it’s painting a picture, acquiring skills on the sports field, or improving spelling or reading ability – rather than being too vested in the outcome. It can also be a warning sign that the child is in need of more attention – the right kind – not the throw away kind. It is easy to come up with words of praise. It takes far more thought, effort and focus to generate words of encouragement. Make the effort.
NIKKI BUSH
Creative parenting expert, inspirational speaker and co-author of Future-proof Your Child (Penguin, 2008), and Easy Answers to Awkward Questions (Metz Press, 2009)
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