Parenting Matters - June Article 1

CHANGE YOURSELF, CHANGE YOUR CHILD

“If there is anything we wish to change in the child, we should examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves.”
C.G. Jung, 1939
Many years ago when my husband and I went through a rough patch, as relationships do from time to time, our communication wasn’t great. We were withholding a lot of pent up thoughts and feelings from each other and it was playing out in the behaviour of our then, three year old son. Fortunately, I figured out that his behaviour was connected to our lack of communication and that if we got clear with each other, then there would be no reason to have to ‘fix’ our child. I put my theory on the table. We decided to get clear with each other right there and then, and it was remarkable to see that within just a few minutes (yes, I said minutes) of mum and dad sorting out their issues – getting over themselves – the behaviour pattern in our boy had disappeared, completely.

It really was one of those ‘aha’ parenting moments for us because our choice in that instant yielded such an immediately positive outcome, proof that our children are more perceptive than we give them credit for. They are deeply connected to us, after all. They know us well: all our strengths, weaknesses, the subtle nuances in our characters and when things are going well or not. We don’t even have to verbalise any of this, they just know it or sense it.

We also forget that our children are watching us, copying us and tapping into who we are. We are their role models. How they see us acting or reacting to life on a daily basis will form their values, worldview and their attitudes towards other people, work, learning and challenges. Currently you might be grappling with work pressure, financial issues or a stressful relationship. They are witnesses to it all.

Change the way you do things, or change your attitude towards them, and it is remarkable how you can, in many instances, turn negative experiences and situations into positive teachable moments that can serve your children well in their future, even if they were traumatic at the time.

Sometimes the quickest way of dealing with issues in your child is to look first to see where or how they are being reflected by you. The moment you accept that you are a contributor to what you are seeing in your child you will find yourself in a powerful position to change the song you are singing, lifting the burden from your child that she has perhaps innocently and unwittingly taken on, allowing her to shine again.

Jung’s quote is closely linked to Ghandi’s now famous quote, ‘Be the change you want to see in the world.’ More often than not, it starts with you.

NIKKI BUSH

Creative parenting expert, inspirational speaker and co-author of Future-proof Your Child (Penguin, 2008) and Easy Answers to Awkward Questions (Metz Press, 2009)
nikki@brightideasoutfit.co.za
http://www.brightideasoutfit.com/