Parenting Matters - October 2011

GETTING UNSTUCK

“Getting stuck is not a problem. Staying stuck is. Good learners practice getting unstuck…” Alistair Smith

At the age of three, my eldest son climbed into a deep chair at a friend’s home and was unable to get out of it. We still tease him to this day because, with his lisp at the time, he declared: “I’m thtuck!” If he had tried to extricate himself from that particular piece of furniture, which was rather unstable, both he and the chair would have landed upside down on the floor. This was one of those moments when we had to step in to help.

In many instances, however, especially as our children get older, we need to hold back from jumping in to help and see what our children are capable of doing, themselves. Just this weekend, we visited a wonderful venue that offers kids the opportunity of zip lining, tight-rope walking etc, all the while attached with safety harnesses. I was totally fascinated watching my two nieces aged 8 and 9 as they listened to the ‘how to’ spiel from the guide. This was no easy task as he had about 25 kids around him of varying ages and not every child could see or hear him clearly.

As the girls went out on the training circuit to practice the techniques before going out onto the much higher courses, I just casually asked if they had understood the instructions, which they said they did. One of them had never clipped a carabineer on a rope before and I watched with fascination as they both worked their way around the course, doing exactly what they had been told and building their confidence step-by-step. Then, one of them managed to get herself stuck. A part of me wanted don my saviour cape and go and stand beneath her to tell her what to do to get out of this sticky situation, while another part of me said, “She’s in no danger, just stay put and see what she does.” True as Bob, she became unstuck – all by herself – and continued even more confidently than before. I was a very proud auntie! I often wonder how such a positive, seemingly insignificant experience might have a ripple effect in every aspect of her life moving forward. I bet it does.

The same goes for older children when they come to you to discuss a problem or issue. They aren’t necessarily looking to be given an answer but might just need someone to verbalise their thoughts to, which helps them to come up with a solution. Beware of doing all of your child’s problem solving for them. “I know it’s easy but children need to learn from their own perspective rather than depending on you as their parent to think and act for them,” says Dr Wayne Dyer in his book, What Do You Really Want for Your Children? He suggests counting to 10 silently before interfering in a child’s process. In this way you will be equipping your child to handle anything that life might throw at them because they will have developed creative problem solving skills of their own.

Allow your child to practice getting unstuck, independently, so that when they do get stuck again, they won’t just give up, they will know it is just an opportunity to do something in a different way.

NIKKI BUSH